(Gleaned from 19 years of mothering beyond conditioning)
1. Show them how to deeply squat, just like our ancestors did. There are numerous reasons for this: our pelvis and hips are where our primal fears get stuck. Yet, if we continually stay in contact with them through squatting, we can open these gateways to more easeful, healing birth experiences (which correlate directly to how our and their life stories can play out), as well as more pleasurable and powerful embodied experiences of sex, and more ability to root into our sacred power and purpose as we develop a relationship with the intimacy of the earth itself. Our root center resides in this physical region so in order to ground in all of the wisdom that wants to come through us; we must have our feet firmly planted on the ground.
2. Encourage them to question “rules” of anything or anyone intelligently and curiously. We become the oppressor and the oppressed very unconsciously if we are not being present and remaining curious to the relational patterns around us and within us. How do we show our children how to question themselves and others? We allow them to question us, as their parents. We remain vulnerable and willing to listen to their perspective. We model the essential practices of self-inquiry that we wish for them to develop within themselves.
3. Invite them to be weird and to push their own edges of comfort, especially as they begin to become more self-aware. Model this, as it is an invitation to work on our own growth! The more we celebrate and make space for what is unconventional, eccentric, and edge-pushing within ourselves, the more permission we give to our children to allow the totality of their greatness to shine through, even if, and especially if it isn’t the way that our culture celebrates and acknowledges. They will be reminded that much of what we need in our culture for healing and collective transformation has been shamed, feared and pushed underground for way too long. These mysteries must now be revealed once again and many of them may be deemed as “weird” or “uncomfortable” for some. So, be weird, it’s good for softening the ego and allowing the potency of the moment to come through when we’re most receptive.
4. Tell them the only rule you have is that they can’t dance, so naturally, they will dance! Dance is one of the most innate things that we as humans have to self-express. The healing power of dance is still highly under-appreciated. All indigenous cultures had deep reverence for dance and movement as a prayer, as a way to celebrate our embodiment of the divine, and as a way to express the poetic nature of being human with all that we feel so deeply. We need dance in our lives to remind us how to let go and follow the feeling of what our souls wish to share.
5. Give them space to feel and express what they are experiencing. (This the fast-track to healing our own sh-t in the process.) Let yourself feel what you need to heal in relationship to their expression (you may need support in this process). Instead of shutting down, ignoring or invalidating what they are experiencing because it makes us uncomfortable and/or triggers our traumas, we can present ourselves to the healing that is possible when we face holistically what they are showing us.
6. Embody the things you want most for them in this life. Find your own path and live it. You want them to be creative? Be creative. You want them to be honest? Be honest. It’s that simple and that challenging.
7. Let them be naked and love their naked bodies. (You also get to heal your own stuff here too...see how this works?!): Naked is how we came into the world. There is so much beauty in our bodies. But we have largely forgotten this. When we shame our bodies and hide them away, it speaks volumes about how we are in relationship to ourselves. Our unhealed traumas are then unconsciously passed on to others around us, especially our children. This is a sensitive topic of course and it’s vital that we deal with what is ours and allow them to experience a different reality of really loving, listening to and caring for their precious bodies.
8. Ask them questions about their dreams. (The seven year old has a lot of dreams of teleporting, so I’ve asked that she let me know before she travels anywhere.) The Dreamtime is a potent place to make bridges to the other world, to our unconscious, to that which lies within the mystery. Creating a practice of awareness and placing value upon what is happening in these realms can provide many healing opportunities as well as foster the space of imagination and wisdom that exists beyond our conscious, waking experience. For some, this is the link to the ancestors and to the messages of the soul. Why would we not want to cultivate a relationship with our dreams & share that with our children?
9. Consent, consent, consent. Always ask: do they want a kiss from you? Do they want to be tickled? Do they want to give uncle or auntie a hug? Respect. Their. Bodies. This is how they will learn to respect and listen to themselves. Much of children’s voices, feelings and intuition have been disrespected for many, many generations. When we ask them and we honor what they want or do not want in regards to their own bodies and intimacy, we then pave the way for healthy relationships that are based on the foundation of sovereignty, truth and self-respect as well as respecting what is true for another.
10. Give them plenty of time to be bored so they create, imagine, envision and connect. Boredom is a gift. We could reframe it by seeing boredom as internal spaciousness, an opening or invitation for the creativity of our life force energies to awaken and express themselves. There is magic and deep wisdom in the pauses between breaths, the moments of being in between, the spaces of unknown where we don’t know “what to do with ourselves”. It is here that we can offer our children the opportunity to meet with this opening that creates an intimacy with the soul of the self.
11. Play tons of eclectic music from many genres very loudly in the car. Music ignites. Music heals. Music inspires. Music evokes emotion. When we expose our children to the many blessings of multicultural music, we give them the medicine of the world.
12. Don’t make separate kid meals for them. They will learn to appreciate fantastic food that not just adults desire. As I’ve already stated, children learn from what we model and what we expose them to. If we make them separate meals it’s like saying to them they won’t like our food. Open the opportunity for them to try things they “think” they don’t like. This opens their minds to enjoy the many tastes that life has to offer. When we stimulate the sense of taste from a young age, we simultaneously stimulate and open all of the senses to engage in all of life from a more holistic and embodied perspective.
13. Let them see you love other humans fiercely. I’ve always been a huge fan of PDA since I was little. I believe it’s vital for them to witness us in joy, pleasure and in deep loving relationships.
14. Read them stories from their bloodlines as well as other lineages that are not theirs. Many children are growing up disconnected from their own blood lineages, which can cause intense grief and pain from feeling like they don’t belong in the world. Stories and myth can be extremely connective in a way that allows for reclaiming, remembrance and healing to occur. By diving deep into the stories of our own cultures, we can unearth magic and bring forth the essence of our ancestors straight into our hearts. Reading stories and myths from other cultures can also be a form of healing and relating to our “spirit” lineages from other lifetimes. Doing so cultivates the ability to link powerful symbolism that threads itself all over the globe, across cultures and timelines, connecting us to all that is.
15. Say sorry to them like an adult when you mess up and be willing to admit you are still learning too. We’re all human. Showing our humanness is not only healing for our children but it is simultaneously an enormous gift to ourselves that many of us never give ourselves. We can learn to humble ourselves, to find compassion for that, which we do not yet know or understand, to admit our mistakes, and to gift ourselves with the invitation to continue to learn and grow, no matter how long we have been alive on this earth.
16. Be receptive when they tell you that you are wrong or you’re not hearing or seeing them. See above for reminders. Stay open. Let them be our teachers as much as we are theirs.
17. Take them to museums on Saturdays and take tons of strange photos while jumping and laughing while people stare at you. Simply put: have fun and be spontaneous. Don’t spend much time caring about what others think of you or how you choose to raise your children. Always expose them to art and artists.
18. Cry rivers in front of them and let them see your gamut of humanness. Crying is human, healing and essential for renewal. Our tears provide the earth with the gratitude of our life. We can grieve now for what has not been able to be grieved for in the past. We allow our tears to continue to open our hearts and to share the totality of all that we feel and all the love and longing we hold for this life, for ourselves and for one another. We gift this to our children by not engaging in the suppression of our emotions. These emotions have the power to heal by simply feeling and expressing them.
19. Thank them for returning to be your teachers. Express gratitude with our words as well as many other ways of letting them know how much of a gift they truly are. Communicating clearly with our children that we are so happy they are here with us to share this life and to learn and experience with and from them is a deeply intimate act.
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Elisa Monique is a mother of four, a transformational relationship guide, midwife of death and rebirth, mistress of the mystery, movement alchemist, dream weaver, ritualist, shadow worker, soothsayer, threshold tender, communal facilitator, visionary, student of the lineage of the framedrum, & lover of raw human connection. Elisa ignites intimacy with the mystery for collective transformation. She disrupts conventional ways of relating, opening spaces for becoming more comfortable with the uncomfortable. Elisa supports people to find and communicate their truth more wholly, to find the medicine in their wounds, and to honor and free their bodies. Her work is inspiring, authentic, uncensored self-expression to create liberated communities and relationships for deep, meaningful connection.
You can find her musings, info on upcoming offerings & 1:1 sessions via Instagram @spellsoftruth and
www.sacredrelating.com